1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:02:56,449 --> 00:02:59,069 I thought that I would start from the beginning. 4 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,569 But that's not how I remember it. 5 00:03:12,949 --> 00:03:15,899 Everything is a series of fragments. 6 00:03:19,069 --> 00:03:20,069 Repetitions. 7 00:03:23,279 --> 00:03:25,449 Pattern formations. 8 00:03:47,279 --> 00:03:50,069 When there are no words for the pain... 9 00:03:54,689 --> 00:03:58,319 ...let your imagination change what you know. 10 00:04:01,189 --> 00:04:04,029 Conglomerate is the movement of the ground in the freedom of the water. 11 00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:09,029 A ring around a stone is lucky. 12 00:04:09,319 --> 00:04:11,319 Smooth and small. 13 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:17,179 Sandstone is soothing and clear. Slate, naturally rational. 14 00:04:17,319 --> 00:04:19,649 Red sandstone is the blood of the earth. 15 00:04:21,189 --> 00:04:23,029 You believe in blue. 16 00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:48,819 Sorry. 17 00:04:52,949 --> 00:04:54,319 Memories... 18 00:04:56,649 --> 00:04:57,689 ...are stories. 19 00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:02,949 Best you find one you can live with. 20 00:05:03,149 --> 00:05:09,449 I. HOLD YOUR BREATH 21 00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:24,189 A smiling face. 22 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:32,319 Flower. 23 00:05:44,819 --> 00:05:46,189 Christmas tree. 24 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:10,689 Stop. 25 00:06:11,779 --> 00:06:14,649 Claudia, go upstairs. Go! 26 00:06:17,689 --> 00:06:18,779 Now! 27 00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,949 Just let me know when you're done. 28 00:06:28,189 --> 00:06:29,949 We can go on here all night. 29 00:06:40,189 --> 00:06:41,189 Damn take this! 30 00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:25,689 That's so nice, Claudia. I actually think it will 31 00:07:26,189 --> 00:07:27,819 to make you feel better immediately. 32 00:07:29,819 --> 00:07:31,449 Make you feel better instantly. 33 00:07:41,449 --> 00:07:43,069 Sing with me, Belle. 34 00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:54,569 Come on, Lidia Belle. Sing with me. You can read the whole text. 35 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:05,119 It was my voice that disappeared. 36 00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:10,569 Sometimes I think it came on paper. 37 00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:13,319 -I wrote... -...pictures and true things... 38 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,779 -...lies alternately. -It made me feel that... 39 00:08:16,779 --> 00:08:19,949 - Made me feel like someone else. -For goodness' sake! 40 00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:24,449 - I wrote words to belong. - It's your daughter! 41 00:08:24,949 --> 00:08:26,189 Not daughter. 42 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:28,949 For swimmers. 43 00:08:30,189 --> 00:08:31,649 For security. 44 00:08:32,189 --> 00:08:35,949 For girls. You make me cringe and gives me a headache. 45 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,149 Mother. 46 00:08:37,189 --> 00:08:38,319 Her hair. 47 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,069 Her scars. 48 00:08:40,529 --> 00:08:41,689 Her story. 49 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,529 I won a prize for that story, Belle. 50 00:08:45,949 --> 00:08:47,569 And your father... 51 00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:53,819 ...won an art award for this drawing. 52 00:08:54,649 --> 00:08:57,779 So gone she was. 53 00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,779 And my sister. My worship. 54 00:09:04,949 --> 00:09:07,319 My sister. My reverence. 55 00:09:07,449 --> 00:09:10,819 You look like a lodis in that baggy, ugly shirt. 56 00:09:11,029 --> 00:09:12,529 It doesn't help you at all. 57 00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:14,449 look at me 58 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:18,189 Trying to look like a man? 59 00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:21,569 My sister. She takes everything. 60 00:09:28,189 --> 00:09:30,319 My sister. She takes everything. 61 00:09:58,279 --> 00:09:59,569 In the house. 62 00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:04,149 Alone in my room. 63 00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:05,949 My arms ache. 64 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,189 My sister is gone. 65 00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:11,779 My mother is... 66 00:10:12,899 --> 00:10:13,949 ...away. 67 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:20,649 My father is drawing houses in the next room. He smokes. 68 00:10:34,449 --> 00:10:35,569 Hey, old lady. 69 00:10:57,069 --> 00:10:59,149 I'm waiting until five in the morning. 70 00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:02,319 I am asking for 71 00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:05,189 to swim. 72 00:11:21,069 --> 00:11:22,319 My little girl. 73 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,569 You grow up so fast. 74 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,819 Teenager. 75 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:40,449 In high school. I can't believe it. 76 00:11:40,689 --> 00:11:43,819 Okay, line up. Girls, time to weigh in. 77 00:11:44,029 --> 00:11:47,319 You know how it goes. A slap for every kilo over. 78 00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:48,779 Torres. 79 00:11:50,399 --> 00:11:51,399 Good girl. 80 00:12:00,449 --> 00:12:01,569 Exactly that. So there, yes. 81 00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:05,649 Reimer. 1.5 kilos. 82 00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,899 Come on, old lady. 83 00:12:29,689 --> 00:12:30,899 Yuknavitch. 84 00:12:31,069 --> 00:12:34,319 One for you, first ringer. We have to do it properly. 85 00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,649 How many kilometers does it take? 86 00:13:13,779 --> 00:13:15,069 to swim 87 00:13:19,449 --> 00:13:20,569 to a self? 88 00:13:24,399 --> 00:13:25,849 How...many... 89 00:13:26,149 --> 00:13:31,279 ...damn kilometers? 90 00:13:36,529 --> 00:13:38,569 We broke the record! We broke a tame record! 91 00:13:40,649 --> 00:13:45,069 Our medley relay gold medalists from the Florida Aquatic Swim Team 92 00:13:45,569 --> 00:13:48,319 got the best time in the whole country. 93 00:13:48,529 --> 00:13:49,899 Congratulations. 94 00:13:50,279 --> 00:13:52,149 The talent scouts are watching, third ringer. 95 00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:20,319 So you really want this, then? 96 00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:49,189 You only got three quarters. 97 00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:58,189 If they wanted you, they would they gave you everything, didn't they? 98 00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:17,689 “We are pleased to offer a partial scholarship." 99 00:15:19,069 --> 00:15:21,669 The half. You are better than that. 100 00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:26,689 The last thing. 101 00:15:41,689 --> 00:15:44,069 In my head I swam lengths. 102 00:15:45,029 --> 00:15:47,449 You didn't even get a full scholarship. 103 00:15:52,069 --> 00:15:53,689 Don't blame me. 104 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,449 They don't want you, then you don't belong there. 105 00:15:56,649 --> 00:15:58,649 I could taste the blood. 106 00:15:58,819 --> 00:15:59,949 The answer is no. 107 00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:02,949 Why? 108 00:16:10,779 --> 00:16:12,149 Because he could. 109 00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:16,399 What then? 110 00:16:17,189 --> 00:16:18,569 And I was his. 111 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,529 Listen, look at me. 112 00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:46,569 look at me 113 00:16:56,399 --> 00:17:01,199 I only want the best for you. You know that. 114 00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:06,689 I knew he could feel it. 115 00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:09,189 That pink muscle. 116 00:17:10,189 --> 00:17:11,189 As pinches 117 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:14,569 and pinches... 118 00:17:15,649 --> 00:17:18,819 -You should be outside warming up. -...for all it's worth. 119 00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:24,689 Lydia! 120 00:17:27,399 --> 00:17:28,819 Do you need help? 121 00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:31,649 I'm the coach for Texas Tech. 122 00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:34,149 Nice to meet you. Let's talk. 123 00:17:35,649 --> 00:17:37,689 We would love to have you on our team. 124 00:17:56,819 --> 00:17:57,949 Yes. 125 00:18:04,189 --> 00:18:06,069 I almost loved her. 126 00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:13,949 Now we go, Belle. 127 00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:44,899 I know you, Lidia. I know what you do. 128 00:18:45,069 --> 00:18:47,569 And it's disgusting. can you hear me 129 00:18:47,779 --> 00:18:49,899 It's bloody disgusting, Lidia. You should be ashamed! 130 00:18:58,649 --> 00:19:00,189 This is control. 131 00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,399 I control myself. 132 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:09,069 You don't know how far I can go. 133 00:19:27,069 --> 00:19:30,949 My bedroom has room for the wet and dark in my body. 134 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:36,449 It smells like my sweat 135 00:19:37,649 --> 00:19:38,949 and chlorine. 136 00:19:53,069 --> 00:19:54,649 Hello. You can't sleep, can you? 137 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,069 Yeah, me neither. 138 00:20:07,189 --> 00:20:09,579 Come here. I want to talk to you. 139 00:20:15,449 --> 00:20:18,069 Sorry if I have been so hard on you lately. 140 00:20:20,189 --> 00:20:21,399 I guess I just… 141 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,649 ...is so worried about you out there. 142 00:20:27,319 --> 00:20:30,069 Things will be different when you go to college. 143 00:20:31,319 --> 00:20:32,949 I want you to listen to me. 144 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,529 He told me what boys would do with me. 145 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:42,069 How they would stop their filthy hands under my skirt and fuck me. 146 00:20:42,779 --> 00:20:44,689 Paw my breasts. 147 00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:49,029 Suck on them. 148 00:20:51,069 --> 00:20:54,029 How nasty boys could be. 149 00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:59,249 their hands, their hips wanting in and up. 150 00:20:59,899 --> 00:21:01,319 And their dicks. 151 00:21:02,149 --> 00:21:03,569 And his. 152 00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:06,149 I sit next to him, 153 00:21:07,319 --> 00:21:11,149 feel the warmth from him without even looking. 154 00:22:10,949 --> 00:22:12,569 What are you doing out here? 155 00:22:19,819 --> 00:22:21,569 what's wrong with you 156 00:22:26,189 --> 00:22:28,189 I want you to know 157 00:22:32,449 --> 00:22:33,689 that I love you. 158 00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,029 You're a fucking whore. 159 00:23:00,949 --> 00:23:02,819 Do you have something to say to me? 160 00:23:11,569 --> 00:23:13,569 Fuck you, you fucking ass. 161 00:23:15,069 --> 00:23:16,779 What did you just say? 162 00:23:19,569 --> 00:23:20,949 Fuck you...you fucking ass. 163 00:23:25,069 --> 00:23:28,949 Leave me alone, dammit! 164 00:24:06,449 --> 00:24:08,399 All I thought about 165 00:24:13,779 --> 00:24:16,189 was my own wide open pussy. 166 00:24:21,319 --> 00:24:24,319 Wide open like a mouth...screaming. 167 00:24:26,529 --> 00:24:27,649 You fucking ass! 168 00:24:30,449 --> 00:24:32,399 You fucking ace. 169 00:24:52,069 --> 00:24:54,189 I didn't know that a girl's body could do that. 170 00:24:57,449 --> 00:24:59,029 Spray a batch. 171 00:25:30,949 --> 00:25:33,399 My food, my thoughts, my friends, my place. 172 00:25:33,569 --> 00:25:36,069 My booze, my days, my nights. 173 00:25:52,569 --> 00:25:54,319 -My sex, my drugs. -My. 174 00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:22,069 Something so deeply suppressed in a body 175 00:26:23,819 --> 00:26:25,319 that it had to explode. 176 00:26:29,819 --> 00:26:30,949 Yuk! 177 00:26:35,949 --> 00:26:37,529 Where do you think you're going? 178 00:26:39,529 --> 00:26:41,069 I know you. 179 00:26:43,949 --> 00:26:45,449 You're not going anywhere. 180 00:27:36,189 --> 00:27:38,899 So far from my father. 181 00:27:42,819 --> 00:27:44,689 So far away from my dad... 182 00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,399 I just want to… 183 00:28:06,899 --> 00:28:08,279 I love your hands. 184 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,779 I love your voice. 185 00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:17,949 It's my dad and my brother who have the real voices. 186 00:28:19,149 --> 00:28:21,319 I always hear them in my head. 187 00:28:22,449 --> 00:28:23,449 Is it true? 188 00:28:25,399 --> 00:28:26,689 What do they say? 189 00:28:30,949 --> 00:28:32,949 They just sing "Amazing Grace". 190 00:28:37,279 --> 00:28:38,819 Voices of God. 191 00:28:40,029 --> 00:28:41,279 fuck me 192 00:29:00,689 --> 00:29:01,949 Poor Philip. 193 00:29:04,819 --> 00:29:07,069 I wish I could go back and apologize. 194 00:29:31,949 --> 00:29:34,569 Fuck you all! 195 00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:36,949 Eat me! 196 00:29:42,779 --> 00:29:45,689 He's just a regular James Taylor 197 00:29:46,149 --> 00:29:49,189 who sings with all his heart here in Texas! 198 00:29:51,069 --> 00:29:52,819 And sometimes I wonder 199 00:29:55,069 --> 00:29:59,689 If you ever think of me 200 00:30:03,689 --> 00:30:06,569 This world may never change 201 00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:13,069 As it has been 202 00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:19,449 And I know that peace will come 203 00:30:25,779 --> 00:30:28,279 Why do you always do that, Lidia? 204 00:30:34,779 --> 00:30:36,399 It's funny. Come on! 205 00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:38,569 It's fun! You know that. 206 00:30:43,149 --> 00:30:44,949 You are such a...tit! 207 00:30:45,649 --> 00:30:47,649 Come on, learn to take… 208 00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:50,399 ...a joke. You're so fucking sensitive. 209 00:30:54,449 --> 00:30:57,399 This is probably something of that most pathetic I've ever seen. 210 00:31:01,689 --> 00:31:06,069 This is what... This is what I'm talking about. 211 00:31:06,649 --> 00:31:09,449 It's like talking with a damn doorknob. 212 00:31:10,029 --> 00:31:12,449 Why don't you say anything? Please say anything. 213 00:31:13,189 --> 00:31:16,689 I'm a fucking sub, so why aren't you doing anything about it? 214 00:31:22,689 --> 00:31:24,149 You are not a sub. 215 00:31:27,319 --> 00:31:29,069 Fuck you, Philip! 216 00:31:31,149 --> 00:31:33,899 You don't even know me. 217 00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:03,449 Phillip means "friend of horses". 218 00:32:05,069 --> 00:32:06,279 Damn it. 219 00:32:07,569 --> 00:32:08,899 Or "brotherhood". 220 00:32:20,569 --> 00:32:22,899 Wake up, you fucking ass! 221 00:32:39,649 --> 00:32:42,399 Hello, Lids. Do you want to leave here? 222 00:32:42,689 --> 00:32:45,069 She's okay. I drive her back. 223 00:32:50,569 --> 00:32:52,569 Listen, close the door there. 224 00:32:53,399 --> 00:32:55,319 Just close the door bastard! 225 00:32:57,649 --> 00:32:59,569 I haven't seen you at practice. 226 00:33:00,399 --> 00:33:02,029 Yes, I got kicked out. 227 00:33:04,319 --> 00:33:05,529 It's calm. 228 00:33:18,529 --> 00:33:21,319 I can still feel my face. 229 00:33:32,569 --> 00:33:34,819 The addiction is in me for sure. 230 00:33:36,649 --> 00:33:38,449 But I want to describe something else to you. 231 00:33:40,449 --> 00:33:41,449 Something less. 232 00:33:44,449 --> 00:33:46,029 It's a smaller word. 233 00:33:47,449 --> 00:33:48,529 Mother? 234 00:33:51,399 --> 00:33:54,149 So small that it can travel in the bloodstream. 235 00:33:59,279 --> 00:34:00,569 Get out of here, Belle. 236 00:34:16,569 --> 00:34:17,949 Get out of here, Belle. 237 00:34:28,449 --> 00:34:29,449 Stay away. 238 00:34:31,689 --> 00:34:33,689 This is not for you. 239 00:34:35,819 --> 00:34:37,899 I'm not going to talk about anything. 240 00:34:40,069 --> 00:34:42,189 I'm not going to talk about anything. 241 00:34:52,069 --> 00:34:53,949 I'm not going to talk about anything. 242 00:35:01,069 --> 00:35:02,069 Dorothy? 243 00:35:04,689 --> 00:35:05,899 Come again. Up with you. 244 00:35:33,949 --> 00:35:35,399 I'm sorry! 245 00:35:41,779 --> 00:35:42,899 I'm sorry. 246 00:35:46,819 --> 00:35:47,819 Yes. Lydia... 247 00:35:49,529 --> 00:35:51,189 You can talk to us. 248 00:35:52,029 --> 00:35:53,189 It helps. 249 00:35:54,279 --> 00:35:55,569 Trust me. 250 00:36:10,899 --> 00:36:13,149 I'm not going to talk about anything. 251 00:36:14,949 --> 00:36:16,399 I usually always want to say... Yes. 252 00:36:19,779 --> 00:36:23,949 Find meaning in life's traffic 253 00:36:24,069 --> 00:36:27,399 by clearing spiritual barriers. 254 00:36:52,319 --> 00:36:53,819 I'm proud of you. 255 00:36:56,189 --> 00:36:57,279 Do you know that? 256 00:37:01,029 --> 00:37:02,029 Yes. 257 00:37:19,819 --> 00:37:21,569 do you want to marry me 258 00:37:52,949 --> 00:37:56,279 And children have their dreams 259 00:37:56,819 --> 00:37:59,189 To hold on to 260 00:38:02,069 --> 00:38:04,279 And how they fly 261 00:38:04,649 --> 00:38:07,569 Taking us to the moon 262 00:38:09,189 --> 00:38:13,569 Yes, they flow from you 263 00:38:14,569 --> 00:38:17,399 They flow from you 264 00:38:19,319 --> 00:38:23,319 And they flow from you 265 00:38:25,649 --> 00:38:30,779 And women have themselves To cling to 266 00:38:34,399 --> 00:38:39,399 And how they fly Surprises me 267 00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,949 They flow from me 268 00:38:45,689 --> 00:38:49,189 They flow from me 269 00:38:51,189 --> 00:38:54,649 And they flow from me 270 00:39:27,399 --> 00:39:29,949 Old man, you were so good. 271 00:39:30,069 --> 00:39:32,069 You were so good! 272 00:39:58,819 --> 00:40:03,189 -I made you some tea. - I don't want any tea. What should we do? 273 00:40:07,189 --> 00:40:08,189 Lydia... 274 00:40:09,319 --> 00:40:10,449 i love you 275 00:40:12,069 --> 00:40:15,689 And whatever you want to do then I will support it. 276 00:40:20,189 --> 00:40:21,319 Was that all? 277 00:40:26,529 --> 00:40:28,949 I need more than nothing 278 00:40:29,149 --> 00:40:32,189 from the most passive man on this damn planet! 279 00:40:47,949 --> 00:40:50,029 Sorry, I've been a little sick. 280 00:40:54,819 --> 00:41:00,529 You don't want anything, and you're killing me that you don't want anything! 281 00:41:01,149 --> 00:41:03,449 -What were you thinking? -I don't know. 282 00:41:03,949 --> 00:41:07,149 I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible! 283 00:41:07,529 --> 00:41:10,149 I can't stand how nice he is. I just can't stand it! 284 00:41:10,319 --> 00:41:12,689 I can't stand his kindness. 285 00:41:13,319 --> 00:41:16,069 But I couldn't have finished it either. 286 00:41:18,399 --> 00:41:24,569 I thought maybe there is a world where I... 287 00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:28,819 ...will come and live with you 288 00:41:28,949 --> 00:41:32,819 in Eugene and taking some courses which you teach. 289 00:41:33,399 --> 00:41:36,449 I don't know. Maybe we can form as a small... 290 00:41:39,069 --> 00:41:40,189 ...family. 291 00:41:46,069 --> 00:41:51,689 Because I think my life with him gonna be a sad fucking country song. 292 00:41:53,449 --> 00:41:55,449 -And this is the only... -Lidia, I said yes. 293 00:41:56,949 --> 00:41:58,279 come home 294 00:42:03,319 --> 00:42:04,449 Okay. 295 00:42:07,529 --> 00:42:08,529 Nice. 296 00:42:10,949 --> 00:42:13,069 Because she left me once 297 00:42:14,189 --> 00:42:15,949 to save his own life. 298 00:42:24,899 --> 00:42:27,069 What are you two doing back there? Are you playing with yourselves? 299 00:42:29,689 --> 00:42:33,649 What then? I'll bring them to the world's most beautiful landscape 300 00:42:34,399 --> 00:42:35,949 and they're just bullshitting. 301 00:42:38,899 --> 00:42:40,899 Look out the cursed window! 302 00:42:58,819 --> 00:43:03,779 Claudia, grab the hacksaw under your mother's seat. 303 00:43:03,949 --> 00:43:05,689 Come on! Now we go. 304 00:43:30,819 --> 00:43:32,649 Go ahead, old lady. 305 00:43:33,029 --> 00:43:34,319 Like food. 306 00:43:35,449 --> 00:43:37,149 Like food. 307 00:43:39,279 --> 00:43:40,449 Don't you want it? 308 00:43:48,189 --> 00:43:50,689 Come on, old lady. Just a little sip to warm you up. 309 00:44:22,949 --> 00:44:24,449 Thank god! 310 00:44:32,189 --> 00:44:33,569 Where is the tree? 311 00:44:45,689 --> 00:44:46,689 Where. 312 00:44:47,779 --> 00:44:49,529 That's the picture. 313 00:44:58,949 --> 00:45:00,319 Welcome home. 314 00:45:06,189 --> 00:45:08,149 Come in. I'll take that one. 315 00:45:09,149 --> 00:45:11,029 - Because I'm pregnant? -Yes. 316 00:45:37,399 --> 00:45:38,399 Here. 317 00:45:38,899 --> 00:45:39,899 Thanks. 318 00:45:44,689 --> 00:45:45,689 It was like hell. 319 00:45:53,449 --> 00:45:54,689 Thank you, Claudia. 320 00:46:04,029 --> 00:46:07,149 Do you remember when you used to make me do things? 321 00:46:09,569 --> 00:46:10,689 As... 322 00:46:11,529 --> 00:46:14,529 "Here. Bite this apple." 323 00:46:14,819 --> 00:46:16,319 Push it into my mouth. 324 00:46:18,899 --> 00:46:22,689 -"Here. Smell this ashtray." -"Just blow it. One, two..." 325 00:46:23,569 --> 00:46:25,279 Ash all over my fucking face. 326 00:46:30,569 --> 00:46:32,149 I would have done anything. 327 00:46:36,899 --> 00:46:38,899 You were fabulous in my eyes. 328 00:46:43,399 --> 00:46:45,779 I remember when I went down after you move into the basement. 329 00:46:47,569 --> 00:46:52,189 I didn't understand how clever it was then, but… 330 00:46:54,189 --> 00:46:58,399 I used to watch all your stuff and touch them. 331 00:47:00,189 --> 00:47:02,949 Once I found a razor blade in your purse. 332 00:47:03,149 --> 00:47:04,149 I cut myself on it. 333 00:47:05,319 --> 00:47:08,069 It made it sting when I peed. 334 00:47:25,449 --> 00:47:30,689 I know this is a...sacrifice. 335 00:47:32,189 --> 00:47:33,189 No. 336 00:47:35,399 --> 00:47:36,649 It's just that… 337 00:47:39,069 --> 00:47:40,689 You were so small. 338 00:47:57,949 --> 00:48:01,319 This is one way to piece together his life. 339 00:48:09,819 --> 00:48:13,069 Maybe I've been waiting for this. 340 00:48:40,399 --> 00:48:41,449 Breathe. 341 00:48:43,649 --> 00:48:44,779 I know. 342 00:48:47,069 --> 00:48:48,529 Come again. Come again. 343 00:48:50,649 --> 00:48:52,449 You... 344 00:48:53,319 --> 00:48:54,449 ...can handle this. 345 00:49:40,399 --> 00:49:41,819 Can I hold her? 346 00:49:43,649 --> 00:49:44,649 Sure. 347 00:49:48,449 --> 00:49:51,069 Just a moment. We are just clearing out… 348 00:50:15,569 --> 00:50:17,189 Her lips are pink. 349 00:50:20,029 --> 00:50:21,279 They are pink. 350 00:51:40,279 --> 00:51:42,399 Just throw it as far as you can. 351 00:52:07,449 --> 00:52:08,819 It's not funny. 352 00:52:13,069 --> 00:52:14,069 Download it. 353 00:53:07,449 --> 00:53:08,569 Sorry. 354 00:53:47,449 --> 00:53:50,399 Look. She's all over you. 355 00:53:52,189 --> 00:53:54,529 You're laughing like hell. 356 00:54:27,949 --> 00:54:30,529 What lived and died between us 357 00:54:32,319 --> 00:54:33,319 still haunts me. 358 00:54:33,529 --> 00:54:34,949 II. UNDER THE BLUE 359 00:54:39,779 --> 00:54:43,189 My God, the girl! Are you some kind of mermaid or not? 360 00:54:45,319 --> 00:54:46,319 Yep. 361 00:54:51,689 --> 00:54:53,029 Do you have something to say? 362 00:54:55,069 --> 00:54:56,149 Forget it. 363 00:54:58,569 --> 00:55:02,819 Come again. You deserve this. 364 00:55:02,949 --> 00:55:04,279 Don't you want to come with me? 365 00:55:05,189 --> 00:55:09,469 I'm not even a student. I only hang out in the English department. 366 00:55:09,569 --> 00:55:12,819 Do you think Kesey cares university rules? 367 00:55:12,949 --> 00:55:16,649 - You will regret it if you don't. - They don't even want to enroll me. 368 00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:19,689 Bullshit! I already have told him about you. 369 00:55:22,149 --> 00:55:23,149 These... 370 00:55:26,069 --> 00:55:27,689 He will love you. 371 00:55:32,819 --> 00:55:35,319 Don't you want to write? a novel with Ken Kesey? 372 00:55:56,399 --> 00:55:59,779 Hello, everyone. Hello, everybody. 373 00:56:03,689 --> 00:56:04,689 You are an idiot. 374 00:56:06,319 --> 00:56:07,899 Hello. This is Lidia. 375 00:56:09,819 --> 00:56:11,649 -Say hello. -Hello. 376 00:56:14,449 --> 00:56:15,819 Hello there. 377 00:56:16,449 --> 00:56:17,819 What do we have here? 378 00:56:18,399 --> 00:56:20,189 A bully with top grades? 379 00:56:23,529 --> 00:56:25,189 I know what happened to you. 380 00:56:28,949 --> 00:56:30,819 Death is too damned. 381 00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:43,949 Hell too. 382 00:56:44,779 --> 00:56:49,069 Jeff, can you roll one? I hate to sit in a room full of writers. 383 00:57:00,399 --> 00:57:02,279 The chair is fine. 384 00:57:03,449 --> 00:57:05,279 I want you all to… 385 00:57:11,149 --> 00:57:17,569 I want you all to be winners. I want you to be warriors. 386 00:57:18,399 --> 00:57:22,589 Warrior. I will give you the warrior test. 387 00:57:22,689 --> 00:57:25,189 Shit flows. Cream rises. 388 00:57:26,069 --> 00:57:29,689 Shit flows. Jerry Rubin. 389 00:57:31,189 --> 00:57:32,689 Cream rises. 390 00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:41,529 Ferlinghetti. 391 00:57:44,319 --> 00:57:45,569 Lord Buckley. 392 00:57:46,449 --> 00:57:47,819 Lenny Bruce. 393 00:57:48,819 --> 00:57:49,949 The big ones. 394 00:57:52,069 --> 00:57:54,069 I want you to grow up. 395 00:57:56,189 --> 00:57:57,689 Damn, because someone… 396 00:57:58,819 --> 00:58:01,779 ...must create our culture the next 50 years 397 00:58:01,949 --> 00:58:05,189 and I want it to be you. There are only two rules. One: 398 00:58:05,569 --> 00:58:09,069 Don't talk about the plot of our novel 399 00:58:09,189 --> 00:58:11,529 with someone who is not in this class. 400 00:58:11,949 --> 00:58:15,189 Two: I make up 50 percent of the class, 401 00:58:15,569 --> 00:58:18,449 so we just write together, 402 00:58:19,449 --> 00:58:23,569 because we will give out or perish together. 403 00:58:29,899 --> 00:58:31,649 Nelson Algren said: 404 00:58:33,189 --> 00:58:34,949 "The Author's Task 405 00:58:36,069 --> 00:58:39,189 is to drag the judge down to the dock, 406 00:58:40,189 --> 00:58:44,949 to make the Almighty know what it's like to be way down." 407 00:58:46,819 --> 00:58:48,189 He's fine. 408 00:58:49,689 --> 00:58:51,649 Weed never killed anyone. 409 00:58:52,819 --> 00:58:54,529 So run now. 410 00:58:56,189 --> 00:59:00,319 At once. Write some bizarre sentences. 411 00:59:01,529 --> 00:59:02,689 Listen! Where are you somewhere? 412 00:59:03,529 --> 00:59:06,149 Do not take sedatives before class. 413 00:59:07,569 --> 00:59:10,029 Now disappear into your imagination. Come on! 414 00:59:10,569 --> 00:59:15,279 Disappear into your imagination. No one is in the room but you and the pen. 415 00:59:19,449 --> 00:59:20,689 Better. 416 00:59:23,149 --> 00:59:26,319 Here it is. This is atrocious. 417 00:59:30,899 --> 00:59:32,319 I wrote "Demon Box" here. 418 00:59:34,069 --> 00:59:37,589 The room here is a creative room. It's a creative place. 419 00:59:37,689 --> 00:59:41,299 Listen, Bennett. You didn't bring tranquilizers, did you? 420 00:59:41,399 --> 00:59:46,319 That type of drug settles in the body, not in the head. 421 00:59:46,899 --> 00:59:50,449 Stick to LSD, psilocybin, San Pedro. 422 00:59:51,069 --> 00:59:55,449 Something that can break down your ego so you can hear your inner voice. 423 00:59:56,949 --> 00:59:59,319 And you write from that voice. 424 01:00:01,449 --> 01:00:04,149 You want your voice to be heard. 425 01:00:09,069 --> 01:00:10,069 Jeez... 426 01:00:12,899 --> 01:00:14,649 It's not meant to happen. 427 01:00:15,689 --> 01:00:17,649 I have wrestler's knees. 428 01:00:19,649 --> 01:00:20,649 Okay. 429 01:00:21,319 --> 01:00:23,949 Let's go out before the sun goes down. 430 01:00:24,319 --> 01:00:25,569 I want you to… 431 01:00:27,149 --> 01:00:29,149 ...going to meet someone. 432 01:00:32,189 --> 01:00:33,189 Come on! 433 01:00:34,319 --> 01:00:35,449 Fuck you, God! 434 01:00:36,569 --> 01:00:40,069 God made a mistake with the commandments. I think there is an eleventh. 435 01:00:40,189 --> 01:00:43,069 And that should be the first commandment. Have mercy. 436 01:00:43,279 --> 01:00:45,279 Lord, have mercy! 437 01:00:45,779 --> 01:00:48,689 Imagine if everyone was merciful against each other where we would be today. 438 01:00:49,449 --> 01:00:52,819 You see a man in the street who needs some money. Give them to him. 439 01:00:53,029 --> 01:00:54,819 Be merciful. He needs it. 440 01:00:55,949 --> 01:00:58,449 He wouldn't ask for it if he didn't need it. 441 01:00:59,949 --> 01:01:01,189 Mercy. 442 01:01:02,899 --> 01:01:06,949 They will have to hire me to rewrite the Bible. 443 01:01:28,649 --> 01:01:30,819 What are you, some kind of mermaid? 444 01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:41,029 Yep. 445 01:01:53,529 --> 01:01:55,689 You know, when Judd died, my boy, 446 01:01:57,029 --> 01:01:59,319 then I wanted to cease to exist. 447 01:02:07,569 --> 01:02:11,569 And everyone who spoke with me said something idiotic. 448 01:02:14,949 --> 01:02:17,319 Or nothing at all. 449 01:02:31,399 --> 01:02:33,899 Nobody understands death nowadays. 450 01:02:38,319 --> 01:02:41,949 It used to be sacred. So holy. 451 01:02:46,529 --> 01:02:52,569 Hell too. No one is big enough to bear what happens to us. 452 01:02:56,189 --> 01:03:01,949 No one is big enough to bear what happens to us. 453 01:03:07,319 --> 01:03:08,949 Do you have something to say? 454 01:03:17,569 --> 01:03:19,189 It is in your hands. 455 01:03:42,949 --> 01:03:46,069 Everything about my dad lay in his hands. 456 01:03:51,689 --> 01:03:54,279 It's all about coordination. 457 01:03:56,279 --> 01:03:59,189 A perfectly balanced dance. 458 01:03:59,319 --> 01:04:01,189 Of shadow and light. 459 01:04:02,449 --> 01:04:05,069 Before my dad was my dad 460 01:04:05,529 --> 01:04:07,069 was he an artist. 461 01:04:07,279 --> 01:04:12,319 Your dad won a price for this drawing. 462 01:04:15,069 --> 01:04:17,689 Before my father was an artist 463 01:04:18,149 --> 01:04:19,779 was he an athlete. 464 01:04:21,569 --> 01:04:24,189 Before my dad was my dad... 465 01:04:26,819 --> 01:04:28,449 ...was he beautiful. 466 01:04:29,069 --> 01:04:30,449 And she was there. 467 01:04:31,029 --> 01:04:33,649 Before my dad was my dad 468 01:04:34,399 --> 01:04:35,899 was he a boy 469 01:04:36,279 --> 01:04:37,649 Just a boy 470 01:04:38,189 --> 01:04:42,349 whose mother cut his tongue. 471 01:04:48,069 --> 01:04:50,149 Before I hated him 472 01:04:51,569 --> 01:04:53,069 i loved him 473 01:04:58,949 --> 01:05:02,449 Look up. Are you not looking where you are going, so you fall, understood? 474 01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:06,119 At the end of the hill, you just brake enough to make a turn. Okay? 475 01:05:11,029 --> 01:05:13,569 Drive. Keep your eyes on the road! 476 01:05:14,069 --> 01:05:15,149 Continue. 477 01:05:16,069 --> 01:05:17,189 Head up! 478 01:05:22,189 --> 01:05:24,819 Eyes on the road. You must brake! 479 01:05:30,069 --> 01:05:31,149 Mike! 480 01:05:33,949 --> 01:05:36,069 -Get a flashlight! -Why? 481 01:05:36,279 --> 01:05:38,319 I think she's hurt down there. She's bleeding. 482 01:05:39,319 --> 01:05:41,569 -What happened? -Just close the door bastard! 483 01:05:43,529 --> 01:05:45,399 Are you done with the chapter? 484 01:06:00,819 --> 01:06:04,149 All I was, was my bleeding body 485 01:06:14,319 --> 01:06:15,569 Hello there! 486 01:06:20,569 --> 01:06:22,149 I am a writer. 487 01:06:37,319 --> 01:06:38,529 Thanks. 488 01:06:41,069 --> 01:06:45,069 We are gathered here because we want to see the result. 489 01:06:45,189 --> 01:06:49,529 We want to witness the results of this experiment, 490 01:06:50,149 --> 01:06:52,069 a collaborative novel 491 01:06:52,449 --> 01:06:54,949 written by us. 492 01:06:55,399 --> 01:07:01,719 So let's welcome the first of the not-so-happy pranksters up on stage 493 01:07:02,069 --> 01:07:05,319 to present "Caverns". 494 01:07:06,189 --> 01:07:08,189 Lydia, come up. 495 01:07:11,649 --> 01:07:12,949 It will go great. 496 01:07:35,319 --> 01:07:37,319 My thigh behind my knee... 497 01:07:37,529 --> 01:07:40,369 You with? My asshole. 498 01:07:40,529 --> 01:07:43,949 -The back of my knees, and they are... - Lidia's father. 499 01:07:44,779 --> 01:07:47,449 What can I say? I am a big admirer. 500 01:07:47,819 --> 01:07:49,529 Mike, right? 501 01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:51,399 Yes, that's right. 502 01:07:51,949 --> 01:07:53,819 Nice that you could come. 503 01:07:54,689 --> 01:08:00,529 Lidia and I saw the Cuckoo's Nest and Hard against hard together, 504 01:08:00,689 --> 01:08:02,569 and it's just brilliant. I mean, brilliant books. 505 01:08:05,319 --> 01:08:06,649 You know, Mike… 506 01:08:08,029 --> 01:08:09,189 Lydia here... 507 01:08:11,319 --> 01:08:13,399 She can land a full hit. 508 01:08:17,399 --> 01:08:19,449 Do you want me to sign it? 509 01:08:23,569 --> 01:08:25,069 Thanks for coming, Dad. 510 01:08:32,449 --> 01:08:35,069 To...Mike? 511 01:08:36,069 --> 01:08:37,189 Preferably. 512 01:08:38,949 --> 01:08:40,029 "To Mike." 513 01:08:40,949 --> 01:08:42,029 “Was… 514 01:08:44,279 --> 01:08:45,399 ...brave." 515 01:08:55,149 --> 01:08:56,279 Go ahead, Mike. 516 01:09:01,029 --> 01:09:02,189 -Here you go, friend. - Yep. 517 01:09:24,899 --> 01:09:27,569 I have seen many authors come and go. 518 01:09:31,189 --> 01:09:32,819 You have what it takes. 519 01:09:39,149 --> 01:09:40,689 I have something for you. 520 01:09:41,319 --> 01:09:42,319 Here. 521 01:09:44,069 --> 01:09:45,189 Here you have. 522 01:09:48,069 --> 01:09:51,569 It comes from the most spiritual beach on earth. 523 01:09:53,069 --> 01:09:54,069 Hold it. 524 01:09:56,279 --> 01:09:57,899 You can keep everything. 525 01:10:00,899 --> 01:10:02,779 You'll keep it all, girl. 526 01:10:09,649 --> 01:10:10,689 So... 527 01:10:12,189 --> 01:10:13,569 What happens next? 528 01:10:16,689 --> 01:10:19,069 -Next? -Next. What's next? 529 01:10:19,279 --> 01:10:20,279 Next. 530 01:10:28,449 --> 01:10:30,779 I want to write "The Storm and the Wrath". 531 01:10:42,319 --> 01:10:44,399 Of course you want to, my friend. 532 01:10:45,949 --> 01:10:47,149 Oh, jeez… 533 01:10:52,689 --> 01:10:55,569 -Throw and see if I can catch it. -Prepared? 534 01:10:57,029 --> 01:10:58,189 Hell too! 535 01:11:02,279 --> 01:11:04,949 Everything depended on whether it would go in. 536 01:11:08,449 --> 01:11:10,689 It has no metaphor. 537 01:11:11,949 --> 01:11:14,029 -Okay. -Damn take metaphors. 538 01:11:14,779 --> 01:11:16,819 -Okay. - It's just a stone that fell. 539 01:11:26,149 --> 01:11:29,319 - I'm going to get the stone and go pee. -Certainly. 540 01:11:30,819 --> 01:11:32,649 So there, yes! You fix it. 541 01:11:36,319 --> 01:11:38,649 That was the last time I saw him. 542 01:11:39,449 --> 01:11:41,189 You can write, girl! 543 01:11:41,569 --> 01:11:44,689 In my opinion he drowned. 544 01:11:47,319 --> 01:11:51,649 III. THE WET 545 01:11:51,819 --> 01:11:55,589 Caddy wants to fuck. She is insatiable, 546 01:11:55,689 --> 01:11:59,689 and because the guy next door has a huge pant bulge 547 01:11:59,819 --> 01:12:02,399 and a sound coming out out of him instead of language, 548 01:12:02,569 --> 01:12:05,819 she walks over to him and takes off all his clothes, 549 01:12:06,029 --> 01:12:08,319 so he finally fucks her 550 01:12:09,029 --> 01:12:10,779 and crushes her. 551 01:12:12,649 --> 01:12:16,819 He fucks her to death, and she loves it! 552 01:12:17,569 --> 01:12:20,689 She laughs until she cries and an ambulance must come. 553 01:12:20,899 --> 01:12:22,649 But it's too late. 554 01:12:23,649 --> 01:12:25,569 It's "The Storm and the Wrath". 555 01:12:27,149 --> 01:12:28,149 Banal. 556 01:12:29,569 --> 01:12:32,069 I have already read "The Storm and the Wrath". 557 01:12:32,689 --> 01:12:35,529 Reworking Faulkner is just college shit. 558 01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:41,819 Maybe try something original. 559 01:12:44,949 --> 01:12:47,949 God, I hate them. 560 01:12:49,649 --> 01:12:51,529 What the hell does he know? 561 01:12:51,949 --> 01:12:55,319 It is original. It's a fucking pastiche. 562 01:12:59,399 --> 01:13:01,769 Hi, do you want to go to the coast? I arranged a room for us. 563 01:13:01,949 --> 01:13:02,949 Hi Hannah. 564 01:13:03,319 --> 01:13:07,319 - We are actually going to work on these this weekend. -Come on. Your fly is open. 565 01:13:08,569 --> 01:13:09,569 Suffers... 566 01:13:10,819 --> 01:13:12,189 What is that there? 567 01:13:16,569 --> 01:13:18,029 Do it if you dare. 568 01:13:20,649 --> 01:13:21,649 Come again. 569 01:13:22,689 --> 01:13:23,949 Something. 570 01:13:24,899 --> 01:13:26,189 At any time. 571 01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,189 Anywhere. 572 01:13:28,949 --> 01:13:29,949 - Please, be careful. - Something. At any time. Somewhere. 573 01:13:30,029 --> 01:13:33,069 To feel absolutely nothing. 574 01:13:37,649 --> 01:13:41,279 - I'm going to get some wood. -Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 575 01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:05,949 Is this some sort of… 576 01:14:07,569 --> 01:14:09,069 ...a fucking trip? 577 01:14:14,149 --> 01:14:15,149 Huh? 578 01:14:17,449 --> 01:14:19,779 I have never... I've never liked pussy. 579 01:15:29,069 --> 01:15:31,279 I wanted to stay there. 580 01:15:40,569 --> 01:15:42,899 Beyond all words. 581 01:15:48,279 --> 01:15:50,819 Inside the nameless wet. 582 01:16:18,569 --> 01:16:19,899 are you ok 583 01:17:06,819 --> 01:17:08,529 I love you, Lids. 584 01:17:19,279 --> 01:17:20,819 I really love you. 585 01:17:43,949 --> 01:17:45,069 See you later. 586 01:17:59,319 --> 01:18:00,569 in water, 587 01:18:01,949 --> 01:18:03,449 as in books, 588 01:18:06,949 --> 01:18:08,569 can one leave one's life. 589 01:18:31,029 --> 01:18:32,069 I took it! I took it. 590 01:18:33,029 --> 01:18:35,399 - I remember a happy childhood. -Come on, come on! 591 01:18:36,949 --> 01:18:40,949 -We dive, we swim, we compete. -You were fast that time. 592 01:18:41,149 --> 01:18:43,819 We laugh like other people's children. 593 01:18:53,279 --> 01:18:57,189 I remember first and last name as Evie Kosenkranius 594 01:18:57,319 --> 01:18:58,819 and Lynn Colella-Bell. 595 01:18:59,029 --> 01:19:00,689 Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. 596 01:19:05,569 --> 01:19:07,899 Make singing loops in my skull. 597 01:19:33,029 --> 01:19:34,449 Glandular fever? 598 01:19:35,449 --> 01:19:37,279 Isn't that the kissing disease? 599 01:19:41,819 --> 01:19:43,189 No. Don't be stupid. 600 01:19:46,279 --> 01:19:50,289 Everything will be alright, Belle. You will see. You will feel better. 601 01:19:53,819 --> 01:19:56,189 And your father is coming to take good care of you. 602 01:19:58,319 --> 01:20:00,069 -Sure you will? - We'll manage. 603 01:20:00,319 --> 01:20:02,569 Mom is going to sell some houses. 604 01:20:05,569 --> 01:20:06,819 Hey, old lady. 605 01:20:12,569 --> 01:20:14,069 My little girl. 606 01:20:15,069 --> 01:20:17,279 In a few days it will be over. 607 01:20:23,649 --> 01:20:26,189 -Language allows me to express... -So there, yes. 608 01:20:26,819 --> 01:20:29,529 ...how four weeks can be years. 609 01:20:32,029 --> 01:20:36,069 It is the malleable surface of a white page. 610 01:21:15,779 --> 01:21:17,819 Have you shown these to anyone? 611 01:21:20,529 --> 01:21:21,529 No. 612 01:21:29,779 --> 01:21:32,029 Skin, scars... 613 01:21:35,029 --> 01:21:39,949 People always ask me why my work is so dark. 614 01:21:42,189 --> 01:21:44,649 What do you know about pain, Lidia? 615 01:21:49,949 --> 01:21:50,949 I know 616 01:21:53,319 --> 01:21:55,319 that it matters to me. 617 01:21:57,779 --> 01:21:59,689 I will take care of you. 618 01:22:03,899 --> 01:22:05,149 Do you understand? 619 01:22:11,029 --> 01:22:13,069 Ask me what you want now. 620 01:22:21,399 --> 01:22:23,189 That's not right, angel. 621 01:22:28,029 --> 01:22:29,149 I... 622 01:22:30,319 --> 01:22:33,189 ...want you to... 623 01:22:37,449 --> 01:22:39,689 Beat it out of me. 624 01:22:45,689 --> 01:22:47,029 ...whip me. 625 01:22:48,449 --> 01:22:52,899 Where do you want to be whipped, angel? 626 01:22:56,779 --> 01:22:57,779 Everywhere. 627 01:23:03,779 --> 01:23:05,449 Take it somewhere. 628 01:23:08,689 --> 01:23:10,569 Take the pain somewhere. 629 01:23:17,319 --> 01:23:18,529 Mother. 630 01:23:29,069 --> 01:23:30,779 I'm proud of you. 631 01:23:42,529 --> 01:23:44,819 I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. 632 01:23:52,779 --> 01:23:54,569 I try to be precise. 633 01:24:00,949 --> 01:24:04,029 IV. THE REVIVAL 634 01:24:04,189 --> 01:24:06,919 "Then mother whined, daddy smelled my pussy. 635 01:24:07,149 --> 01:24:08,949 My finest hour has been reached, he explained. 636 01:24:09,149 --> 01:24:12,319 I was sure what he was referring to. It is the moment of truth. 637 01:24:12,449 --> 01:24:14,449 I go on, on, on, jerking off. 638 01:24:14,649 --> 01:24:17,689 My hands are going to break. I don't even recognize my body. 639 01:24:17,819 --> 01:24:20,819 Doesn't matter. I know you are mine. I made you, I make you. 640 01:24:21,029 --> 01:24:25,429 I swore to live for pleasure. My tongue is huge. It reaches down to the waist. 641 01:24:25,689 --> 01:24:28,449 You see your real father in its moment of truth. 642 01:24:28,649 --> 01:24:31,779 Almighty God, nothing matters. You are my God, my daughter. 643 01:24:31,949 --> 01:24:34,279 I worship you. Make it so that I can satisfy you. Look at it. 644 01:24:34,449 --> 01:24:37,649 It's big in my corkscrew hand. Kiss it. 645 01:24:37,819 --> 01:24:41,189 My father explained again, I'm a fanimej God and I created God. Holy shit! 646 01:24:41,319 --> 01:24:45,189 Just look at God and He is happy because I made him come. 647 01:24:45,319 --> 01:24:48,279 God is in heaven. I am in heaven and I has died. 648 01:24:48,449 --> 01:24:50,689 I'm getting over your whole face. I licked up his cum. 649 01:24:50,819 --> 01:24:52,279 - This disgusts me. 650 01:25:05,449 --> 01:25:08,529 ALLEGORIES OF VIOLENCE 651 01:25:12,069 --> 01:25:13,949 Who the hell do you think you are? 652 01:25:16,569 --> 01:25:18,279 My father's daughter. 653 01:25:27,069 --> 01:25:30,029 I am a woman who talks to himself in lies. 654 01:25:59,949 --> 01:26:01,319 Damn it. 655 01:26:02,189 --> 01:26:03,189 Year one. 656 01:26:03,529 --> 01:26:04,689 Vodka! 657 01:26:07,279 --> 01:26:10,189 I drink vodka, mostly all the time. 658 01:26:10,399 --> 01:26:14,279 -One shot straight in, straight in. -And felt nothing about myself. 659 01:26:18,069 --> 01:26:22,779 We drink, we laugh, we fuck. We make fucking body paint shadows. 660 01:26:24,779 --> 01:26:27,189 We make performance art. We perform ourselves. 661 01:26:27,399 --> 01:26:29,569 Fuck you, God! 662 01:26:37,449 --> 01:26:38,779 Open the door! 663 01:26:40,689 --> 01:26:42,819 Carving each other's names in our arms. 664 01:26:43,029 --> 01:26:44,689 I did it for you! 665 01:26:53,029 --> 01:26:54,189 We fuck infected. 666 01:26:54,399 --> 01:26:56,649 It was right in front of me, Devin. I saw exactly what happened. 667 01:26:56,819 --> 01:26:59,819 -You don't even understand. -What then?! 668 01:26:59,949 --> 01:27:01,899 That I will marry you. 669 01:27:06,189 --> 01:27:07,649 For Mike and Dorothy! 670 01:27:08,689 --> 01:27:10,779 I'm so glad they fucked up. 671 01:27:13,819 --> 01:27:19,069 To jump to year six when underwater stories start to rub off 672 01:27:19,449 --> 01:27:21,819 and screams start a rhythm where the drinking gets higher… 673 01:27:22,029 --> 01:27:25,399 Go kiss women I know and do not know! 674 01:27:25,569 --> 01:27:27,649 What is a pair over time if not a replica? 675 01:27:27,819 --> 01:27:31,529 I'll give you a damn line. Your fucking bullshit is taking over the house! 676 01:27:31,689 --> 01:27:34,319 It was taking over the house. 677 01:28:01,319 --> 01:28:03,029 I don't want to fuck. 678 01:28:04,779 --> 01:28:06,529 I want to read. 679 01:28:08,449 --> 01:28:09,689 Fuck you. 680 01:28:15,319 --> 01:28:17,149 I didn't want to drink. 681 01:28:19,449 --> 01:28:20,649 I wanted to write. 682 01:28:30,029 --> 01:28:32,149 What is a pair over time? 683 01:28:36,949 --> 01:28:39,449 Year seven. I finished my thesis. 684 01:28:45,779 --> 01:28:47,949 In year eight I got a PhD. 685 01:29:04,189 --> 01:29:05,279 Year ten. 686 01:29:06,449 --> 01:29:07,689 We pretend. 687 01:29:12,149 --> 01:29:13,319 You said 688 01:29:16,949 --> 01:29:19,319 that you would love me until I die. 689 01:29:24,069 --> 01:29:26,529 You said we would die together in love. 690 01:29:40,319 --> 01:29:42,189 You told me that. 691 01:29:46,449 --> 01:29:47,899 where are you 692 01:29:54,689 --> 01:29:56,449 Where is the man? 693 01:30:12,449 --> 01:30:14,779 Who would love a woman like me? 694 01:30:58,149 --> 01:30:59,689 Don't you dare. 695 01:32:45,189 --> 01:32:47,689 The date of your reading aloud is June 15, 1998. 696 01:33:01,449 --> 01:33:03,689 "The date of your reading aloud." 697 01:33:26,689 --> 01:33:27,689 What then? 698 01:33:51,779 --> 01:33:53,399 Welcome up... 699 01:33:58,689 --> 01:34:02,319 ...reads an excerpt from his first short story collection "Her other mouths". 700 01:34:03,529 --> 01:34:05,189 Lidia Yuknavitch. 701 01:34:08,189 --> 01:34:09,949 Lidia, welcome up. 702 01:34:25,449 --> 01:34:27,569 "The day my daughter was born. 703 01:34:29,689 --> 01:34:31,689 After I held the future. 704 01:34:35,819 --> 01:34:37,319 Stillborn. 705 01:34:40,689 --> 01:34:41,899 And pink. 706 01:34:46,899 --> 01:34:48,449 And rose-lipped. 707 01:34:51,069 --> 01:34:54,319 And rose-lipped in my trembling arms. 708 01:34:54,899 --> 01:34:58,919 Little tragedies are hard to keep order. 709 01:35:03,779 --> 01:35:07,189 Chronology convinces us that we are moving towards a real place. 710 01:35:07,319 --> 01:35:09,529 'Swimmers, in your seats.' 711 01:35:11,069 --> 01:35:12,189 A gun shot. 712 01:35:12,689 --> 01:35:15,779 A pistol shot went off our tense flesh. 713 01:35:16,569 --> 01:35:21,419 Fathers were often untenable while the little women swam for their lives. 714 01:35:21,649 --> 01:35:22,819 'Swim. 715 01:35:24,279 --> 01:35:25,689 Swim! 716 01:35:26,189 --> 01:35:27,319 Hurry! 717 01:35:28,819 --> 01:35:30,319 Come on, baby. 718 01:35:31,649 --> 01:35:32,819 Harder. 719 01:35:33,279 --> 01:35:34,449 Harder! 720 01:35:35,029 --> 01:35:36,449 Faster!' 721 01:35:36,819 --> 01:35:39,689 A cacophony of men swelling 722 01:35:39,949 --> 01:35:43,319 and presses down against the wet movement. 723 01:35:45,189 --> 01:35:49,069 How many times I slipped down in the chlorinated depth 724 01:35:50,029 --> 01:35:54,449 and secretly hoped to kiss this useless skin 725 01:35:54,689 --> 01:35:57,149 and get something out... 726 01:36:01,779 --> 01:36:03,189 ...amphibious 727 01:36:05,319 --> 01:36:06,949 and sexless? 728 01:36:15,319 --> 01:36:16,399 The thing is 729 01:36:20,689 --> 01:36:24,189 that this letting everything in 730 01:36:25,689 --> 01:36:28,569 and wait and see what comes out 731 01:36:31,689 --> 01:36:32,819 is scary 732 01:36:34,569 --> 01:36:35,819 and idiotic. 733 01:36:37,689 --> 01:36:41,279 And it's starting to piss me off 734 01:36:41,449 --> 01:36:45,689 that I even have to think about it all. 735 01:36:46,569 --> 01:36:48,029 What I am saying is… 736 01:36:52,569 --> 01:36:57,319 There is a woman in a room who is tired of looking down 737 01:36:59,949 --> 01:37:01,319 and bleed 738 01:37:03,779 --> 01:37:07,399 and endure, yearn and strive 739 01:37:08,569 --> 01:37:11,949 and is tired of being open 740 01:37:12,689 --> 01:37:16,449 with no hope of stitching itself together. 741 01:37:26,819 --> 01:37:29,529 It's not that I want to that it should disappear. 742 01:37:32,819 --> 01:37:33,899 It's just that 743 01:37:34,949 --> 01:37:36,319 that I want... 744 01:37:36,779 --> 01:37:38,069 Wanting to... 745 01:37:39,819 --> 01:37:42,949 ...come from somewhere else. 746 01:37:48,779 --> 01:37:54,029 There are moments with years in between which appears with great power." 747 01:37:55,069 --> 01:37:56,649 -Remind me why we're here. 748 01:37:56,819 --> 01:37:59,449 - I thought it was your idea. - I came here with you. 749 01:38:05,149 --> 01:38:06,449 Delusion. 750 01:38:08,819 --> 01:38:11,069 Grown women are idiots. 751 01:38:12,319 --> 01:38:13,449 I don't know. 752 01:38:14,649 --> 01:38:15,949 She prayed. 753 01:38:32,399 --> 01:38:33,529 Lydia! Lydia! 754 01:38:41,949 --> 01:38:42,849 -Turn him over. 755 01:38:42,949 --> 01:38:44,149 -Help me! 756 01:39:03,529 --> 01:39:04,689 “Dead. 757 01:39:06,189 --> 01:39:08,819 Or suck back the kill. 758 01:39:13,069 --> 01:39:14,649 And pump it in 759 01:39:15,689 --> 01:39:18,819 in the story of someone else. 760 01:39:22,149 --> 01:39:26,769 My father lost his memory of lack of oxygen that day. 761 01:39:30,949 --> 01:39:32,779 I didn't kill him. 762 01:39:34,819 --> 01:39:36,449 I didn't save him. 763 01:39:38,149 --> 01:39:41,689 I'm learning to live on land." 764 01:39:50,689 --> 01:39:52,279 Thank you for... 765 01:40:07,819 --> 01:40:10,949 Have your parents read the story? What do they think of it? 766 01:40:11,149 --> 01:40:13,399 Have a great time in New York. Get an agent. 767 01:40:17,569 --> 01:40:20,569 Lidia, so nice to meet you. Thank you for being here. 768 01:40:20,949 --> 01:40:22,069 Excuse me. 769 01:40:23,189 --> 01:40:25,149 Do you have any... 770 01:40:26,029 --> 01:40:28,029 ...a little stronger? 771 01:40:28,949 --> 01:40:29,949 Thanks. 772 01:40:35,069 --> 01:40:37,529 Carol Houck Smith, Norton Publishing. 773 01:40:39,279 --> 01:40:40,819 It's really impressive what you were doing up there. 774 01:40:42,819 --> 01:40:43,949 Thanks. 775 01:40:45,569 --> 01:40:48,649 No, seriously. It didn't look easy. 776 01:40:50,069 --> 01:40:52,949 Is there anything else where that came from? 777 01:40:53,279 --> 01:40:55,149 Maybe something a little longer? 778 01:40:58,819 --> 01:41:00,649 You should send me something. 779 01:41:05,899 --> 01:41:07,279 It's just that 780 01:41:09,949 --> 01:41:14,069 that something in me had been born... 781 01:41:15,319 --> 01:41:16,649 ...stillborn. 782 01:41:21,689 --> 01:41:29,319 V. THE OTHER SIDE OF DROWNING 783 01:41:48,649 --> 01:41:51,069 It's a small stone I carry. 784 01:41:55,029 --> 01:41:57,819 The shame of wanting something good. 785 01:42:46,149 --> 01:42:47,819 My life! 786 01:44:56,569 --> 01:44:58,689 Fucking garbage. 787 01:45:00,819 --> 01:45:02,149 Listen, what are you doing? Keep working. 788 01:45:22,189 --> 01:45:23,189 Hello. 789 01:45:27,279 --> 01:45:30,399 The chopping block. Peer evaluation. 790 01:45:30,569 --> 01:45:31,949 Who wants to start? 791 01:45:33,819 --> 01:45:37,399 It is very helpful. You can't live the wrong life. 792 01:45:37,779 --> 01:45:42,189 That's the story you were told. Yours is just as important. It is your own. 793 01:45:42,319 --> 01:45:45,279 It must hurt, but I'm happy for you. 794 01:46:36,449 --> 01:46:38,069 I suck at that! 795 01:46:41,689 --> 01:46:45,069 Something small and specific caught my attention 796 01:46:45,279 --> 01:46:46,949 an important detail, 797 01:46:47,149 --> 01:46:49,399 a bruise on the bridge of her nose 798 01:46:49,569 --> 01:46:53,069 which made me realize that her eyes were blue, like mine. 799 01:46:55,399 --> 01:46:56,399 How much? 800 01:46:59,149 --> 01:47:03,069 I pay her pimp $100. I ask her to come in. 801 01:47:03,319 --> 01:47:05,069 I ask her to sit down. 802 01:47:08,449 --> 01:47:09,779 In the story I say: 803 01:47:10,569 --> 01:47:13,149 “This is what it feels like to be me. 804 01:47:14,189 --> 01:47:16,449 A woman who teaches English, 805 01:47:16,899 --> 01:47:19,949 looking down at a woman sucking cocks 806 01:47:20,149 --> 01:47:22,189 who sits on my couch all day 807 01:47:22,569 --> 01:47:23,819 and smoking. 808 01:47:25,449 --> 01:47:29,069 When I look at her I think that she looks like Maria. 809 01:47:30,779 --> 01:47:33,319 When I see a picture of Christ 810 01:47:33,779 --> 01:47:36,819 I imagine Maria so worn out, emaciated and tired 811 01:47:37,029 --> 01:47:40,819 and so angry bordering on emaciated that she can hardly bear her face. 812 01:47:51,069 --> 01:47:53,569 In the story I say: 813 01:47:56,069 --> 01:47:57,899 “What should I do? 814 01:47:58,819 --> 01:48:00,189 Teach her?" 815 01:48:03,029 --> 01:48:06,779 This is what I, an addict on the way up, 816 01:48:06,949 --> 01:48:12,189 think when I am given something so infinitesimally small as words to believe. 817 01:48:12,819 --> 01:48:14,069 I look at her. 818 01:48:19,189 --> 01:48:20,819 Offer words. 819 01:48:34,319 --> 01:48:35,899 People tell me all the time: 820 01:48:37,689 --> 01:48:41,189 “Did those things happen in your stories for real?” 821 01:48:44,449 --> 01:48:48,069 Isn't that the question 822 01:48:49,319 --> 01:48:51,149 when it comes to life? 823 01:48:56,779 --> 01:48:59,319 Did this really happen to me? 824 01:49:07,529 --> 01:49:08,529 Andy. 825 01:49:10,449 --> 01:49:11,529 I don't know. 826 01:49:20,069 --> 01:49:22,689 Things that happen to us are true. 827 01:49:24,949 --> 01:49:29,189 But writing is a completely different matter. 828 01:49:30,069 --> 01:49:32,779 I hoped we could discuss my script. 829 01:49:34,569 --> 01:49:35,819 Of course. Sure. 830 01:49:39,399 --> 01:49:41,569 I also want to lend you my car. 831 01:49:45,279 --> 01:49:47,189 I saw you take the bus 832 01:49:48,319 --> 01:49:50,649 and I happen to have two cars. 833 01:50:28,449 --> 01:50:31,529 You understand a lot about a person when you see it in the water. 834 01:50:33,399 --> 01:50:34,529 Thanks. 835 01:50:38,029 --> 01:50:41,069 -For what then? - Because I got to swim with you. 836 01:50:41,319 --> 01:50:45,449 I read a couple of your stories. I know swimming is a big deal. 837 01:50:46,189 --> 01:50:47,949 I always let my students choose the seat. 838 01:50:49,319 --> 01:50:52,649 I wanted to say that I have seen you a couple of times before. 839 01:50:53,189 --> 01:50:55,779 I read that Ken Kesey was teaching at the university, 840 01:50:55,949 --> 01:50:58,069 when I was abroad. I applied for the course, 841 01:50:58,189 --> 01:50:59,949 but it was already over. 842 01:51:00,319 --> 01:51:03,569 - It was like hell. How funny! -Yes, I know. 843 01:51:03,689 --> 01:51:06,899 I saw you groping around creative writing department. 844 01:51:08,779 --> 01:51:11,069 I attended the reading aloud you did at Gerlinger. 845 01:51:18,399 --> 01:51:19,569 It's strange. Weird. 846 01:51:19,949 --> 01:51:21,069 Weird. 847 01:51:24,449 --> 01:51:26,189 It was a strange day for me. 848 01:51:28,949 --> 01:51:29,949 Why? 849 01:51:38,779 --> 01:51:40,029 My father... 850 01:51:42,819 --> 01:51:43,949 ...was my... 851 01:51:45,149 --> 01:51:46,189 My father... 852 01:51:49,689 --> 01:51:50,689 Your father? 853 01:51:53,449 --> 01:51:55,069 ...beat me. 854 01:51:57,949 --> 01:51:59,069 Your father. 855 01:52:02,189 --> 01:52:03,189 How then? 856 01:52:05,689 --> 01:52:06,899 Sexually. 857 01:52:10,529 --> 01:52:11,689 It sucks. 858 01:52:21,029 --> 01:52:23,819 I hope he got a fat karma slap. 859 01:52:29,689 --> 01:52:31,689 He actually got that. 860 01:52:32,949 --> 01:52:34,449 It was good. 861 01:52:43,449 --> 01:52:46,449 It was a long time ago. I was a completely different person then. 862 01:53:00,149 --> 01:53:02,689 So, teacher, are you going to take my car? 863 01:53:26,649 --> 01:53:29,689 I don't really know how to tell how it feels 864 01:53:32,819 --> 01:53:36,279 to see the little woman swim for his life. 865 01:53:39,069 --> 01:53:40,319 I mean... 866 01:54:02,279 --> 01:54:03,949 Are you fucking crazy? 867 01:54:11,569 --> 01:54:12,689 No. 868 01:54:22,399 --> 01:54:24,819 You think I'm someone else. 869 01:54:32,189 --> 01:54:34,189 I can see the mother in you. 870 01:54:43,689 --> 01:54:46,949 There is more to your story than you think. 871 01:56:43,319 --> 01:56:44,529 - That's great. - That's it. 872 01:56:44,689 --> 01:56:45,899 Very nice. 873 01:56:46,689 --> 01:56:49,069 We'll just go this way, to the left. 874 01:57:11,069 --> 01:57:12,649 And the room? 875 01:57:13,319 --> 01:57:16,149 They said it would be ready tomorrow, absolutely safe. 876 01:57:20,399 --> 01:57:23,189 It must have been a strange ride. 877 01:57:28,819 --> 01:57:29,819 Thanks. 878 01:57:30,189 --> 01:57:32,569 You never have to say thank you to me. 879 01:57:40,189 --> 01:57:43,189 - I feel fine. - Sure? 880 01:57:43,899 --> 01:57:44,899 Sure. 881 01:57:59,189 --> 01:58:00,189 Hi, Dad. 882 01:58:00,399 --> 01:58:03,819 -Marilou? - No, it's me. It's Lydia. 883 01:58:05,069 --> 01:58:07,069 I know, old lady. 884 01:58:17,689 --> 01:58:18,899 I have read this book. 885 01:58:20,149 --> 01:58:21,149 -So? -Yes. 886 01:58:23,319 --> 01:58:24,689 Do you know who wrote it? 887 01:58:29,819 --> 01:58:30,819 You. 888 01:58:31,649 --> 01:58:32,689 That's right. 889 01:58:36,569 --> 01:58:38,689 Did you read all the stories? 890 01:58:41,189 --> 01:58:43,279 It was one about swimming. 891 01:58:45,819 --> 01:58:46,819 I liked it. 892 01:58:48,949 --> 01:58:49,949 Thanks. 893 01:58:52,449 --> 01:58:54,689 But not very flattering to me. 894 01:59:08,279 --> 01:59:12,189 I won an award for that story. 895 01:59:13,189 --> 01:59:14,899 I got to go to New York. 896 01:59:24,819 --> 01:59:26,399 Yeah, not bad. 897 01:59:31,189 --> 01:59:32,319 It's nice here. 898 01:59:36,649 --> 01:59:38,449 It's a real home you have here. 899 01:59:43,319 --> 01:59:44,319 Well done. 900 01:59:45,779 --> 01:59:47,029 Well done by you. 901 01:59:48,819 --> 01:59:52,779 The most secure memories are locked away in the brain on people who don't remember. 902 01:59:54,279 --> 01:59:55,529 Take her, Mike! 903 01:59:56,649 --> 01:59:59,449 You know I don't swim. - Claudia, get your sister! 904 02:00:01,819 --> 02:00:03,569 Underwater forever. 905 02:00:05,689 --> 02:00:07,069 There you go, friend. 906 02:00:08,819 --> 02:00:10,569 Look, I'm 'imming! 907 02:00:22,819 --> 02:00:24,189 What is it? 908 02:00:24,399 --> 02:00:29,649 The water will enter my nose, my ears and into my brain. 909 02:00:32,189 --> 02:00:33,319 Miles... 910 02:00:35,819 --> 02:00:41,689 How many times have you seen mom swim 911 02:00:43,399 --> 02:00:45,029 Many times, right? 912 02:00:45,529 --> 02:00:46,949 Have you ever thought about 913 02:00:48,069 --> 02:00:50,779 that I have never had water on the brain? 914 02:00:55,449 --> 02:00:57,819 The water has never entered my brain. 915 02:00:58,029 --> 02:01:00,689 Do you want to see? Look at this. 916 02:01:01,029 --> 02:01:03,399 Say how much water that goes into my brain. Okay? 917 02:01:14,069 --> 02:01:15,069 Do you see? 918 02:01:16,949 --> 02:01:18,149 Okay, pull. 919 02:01:18,449 --> 02:01:21,189 I have a very important game. 920 02:01:23,149 --> 02:01:26,319 I'm going to stuff my whole head under the water. 921 02:01:28,189 --> 02:01:31,279 And we will look at each other under the water. 922 02:01:33,149 --> 02:01:35,899 -What kind of game is it? - I made it up. 923 02:01:48,319 --> 02:01:49,569 The key is 924 02:01:51,529 --> 02:01:53,189 to make up shit. 925 02:02:02,529 --> 02:02:05,689 It's not bullshit what I'm saying. 926 02:02:07,779 --> 02:02:08,779 Come in. 927 02:02:12,189 --> 02:02:14,069 The water will hold you. 928 02:07:47,569 --> 02:07:52,189 Undertexter: Lisa Di Biaggio www.junefirst.tv